Insight from the Heart

The last few months have been intense to say the least. Enough said.

When I was a child I cried very easily. I was told to go to my room or stop crying. You get the idea. This went on throughout my teenage years and when I married, my husband would tell me the same thing (well, not go to your room!). I once told him "When I stop crying that is when you'd better start worrying because I won't care any more." I did stop crying. We divorced in 1980. I grew to be very proud of my ability to NOT cry. After all, I'm not a 'cry baby'.

When this whole process started, it started with uncontrollable crying. I didn't know where it was coming from (the 'why' of it) and I could not stop it. Needless to say, an extremely confusing time. Lately, that is where I am again. This time of crying comes with deep insights. When I say 'deep' I mean deep as on all levels. The heart opens and aligns with the throat. I find my self habitually trying to stop or slow it down. Some days my heart begins crying (opening) as soon as I wake up. There's no stopping it.

Today I had these memories of my childhood's reactions from family members which told me "If you cry, you're bad. If you cry, I won't love you." Translation: When you cry, I feel uncomfortable. When you cry, it brings up my pain. At this insight my heart felt compassion; no not "I feel sorry for"...it was "My heart understands". My heart understands that this is generation to generation to generation to generation to generation until we have become a planet of closed hearts. I am sure that I did this to my own children and for that I am deeply sorry. I ask you to forgive me my Babies.

Sooooooo, looks like I'm gonna be a "Cry Baby" for awhile; at least I hope so. My intention is to be that open hearted child again.  And, guess what?  I'm not going to go to my room this time.

Beloved I AM

You are the flame in my heart

You light my way in the dark

I AM blessed. I AM grateful.

Perspective

Writing Down My Soul, Day 9
Body of Consciousness, Day 6

First of all, I am laughing at my self. I decided to use my journal this morning rather than the keyboard directly. It felt easier. Now, I'm trying to decipher what I wrote!

"Perspective" is the subject of Now.

"'dry spells'. There is no such thing. It is not possible. The Universe is constant movement. Within stillness is movement.

You expect fireworks. Appreciate the process of creation.
Observe. Purely observe and feel the body/heart from This perspective."

And that's all she wrote folks.

I absorb this and insights come but they are tangled.

I Google'perspective'. This is a big word with many definitions (perspectives!). I ask for clarity.

"There is validity in all opinions."

Okay, I believe that. Maybe not enough?

Okey, dokey then. I'm gonna sit with this for awhile to see how it untangles itself. Good grief, why does it have to be so confusing sometimes?

Brenda

Surrender to Happiness

Writing Down My Soul, Day 8
Body of Consciousness, Day 5

After my day of 'doing nothing' yesterday I slept really well and am rested. I am constantly shown what happens when I surrender. It encourages me. I'm feeling very happy.

Hmmm. What is happiness?

My BFF for the past few weeks has been expressing her simple happiness to me almost every day. She has gone through a very challenging 10 months or so. And then, she surrendered to all that she was resisting. The result? Happiness.

A number of years ago (when I started this awakening) I read whatever I could get my hands on if I thought it would help me to understand what was happening to me. There was a lot of talk about happiness and joy. Joy? What's that? I realized that I not only had no joy, but that I had completely forgotten what it felt like.

Over the years of this work, joy has crept back into my Being. Joy is a HUGE word and a HUGER feeling encompassing happiness and gratitude. Sometimes it comes in the form of simple peace and contentment. Nature is abundantly joyful. Watch a tree sometime as it reaches for and soaks up the sunshine or the rain. Watch a puppy or a small child play and you see that they don't THINK about whether they are are happy - or not. They are pure un-self-awareness and joy. They simply are and they BE.

I notice that when I pray now (I did not know how in the beginning.) I am not asking for God to do or be or whatever. My prayers are expressions of sheer gratitude for the fulness of my contentment. I have never felt less burdened by myself or by the world.

Most folks think that "happiness" is pure luck - something that will descend upon you like fine weather if you're lucky enough. Luck? No. My happiness is the consequence of personal effort. I have to stay on top of my happiness; acknowledging it, smiling to it, singing to it and asking for more of it because I am worth it. If I don't stay on top of my happiness, I know that it will leak out little by little like air from a balloon. I must participate all the time in the creation of my blessings.

All the sorrow and trouble in this world is created by unhappy people. On a personal level, I can sure see how my own unhappiness brought suffering or distress to those around me. On a global level, take a look at Hitler or any of the other unhappy dictators of history. I see the search for happiness and contentment not just self-benefiting, but as a generous gift to the world - one person at a time. Yes, it feels that BIG to me and, after all is said and done, I can only change me.

No Sounds of Music today. Bobby McFaren (Don't Worry, Just Be Happy) comes to mind though. Google it on YouTube if you are so inclined.

Manana,
Brenda