When I was a child I cried very easily. I was told to go to my room or stop crying. You get the idea. This went on throughout my teenage years and when I married, my husband would tell me the same thing (well, not go to your room!). I once told him "When I stop crying that is when you'd better start worrying because I won't care any more." I did stop crying. We divorced in 1980. I grew to be very proud of my ability to NOT cry. After all, I'm not a 'cry baby'.
When this whole process started, it started with uncontrollable crying. I didn't know where it was coming from (the 'why' of it) and I could not stop it. Needless to say, an extremely confusing time. Lately, that is where I am again. This time of crying comes with deep insights. When I say 'deep' I mean deep as on all levels. The heart opens and aligns with the throat. I find my self habitually trying to stop or slow it down. Some days my heart begins crying (opening) as soon as I wake up. There's no stopping it.
Today I had these memories of my childhood's reactions from family members which told me "If you cry, you're bad. If you cry, I won't love you." Translation: When you cry, I feel uncomfortable. When you cry, it brings up my pain. At this insight my heart felt compassion; no not "I feel sorry for"...it was "My heart understands". My heart understands that this is generation to generation to generation to generation to generation until we have become a planet of closed hearts. I am sure that I did this to my own children and for that I am deeply sorry. I ask you to forgive me my Babies.
Sooooooo, looks like I'm gonna be a "Cry Baby" for awhile; at least I hope so. My intention is to be that open hearted child again. And, guess what? I'm not going to go to my room this time.
Beloved I AM
You are the flame in my heart
You light my way in the dark
I AM blessed. I AM grateful.
