When I was a child I cried very easily. I was told to go to my room or stop crying. You get the idea. This went on throughout my teenage years and when I married, my husband would tell me the same thing (well, not go to your room!). I once told him "When I stop crying that is when you'd better start worrying because I won't care any more." I did stop crying. We divorced in 1980. I grew to be very proud of my ability to NOT cry. After all, I'm not a 'cry baby'.
When this whole process started, it started with uncontrollable crying. I didn't know where it was coming from (the 'why' of it) and I could not stop it. Needless to say, an extremely confusing time. Lately, that is where I am again. This time of crying comes with deep insights. When I say 'deep' I mean deep as on all levels. The heart opens and aligns with the throat. I find my self habitually trying to stop or slow it down. Some days my heart begins crying (opening) as soon as I wake up. There's no stopping it.
Today I had these memories of my childhood's reactions from family members which told me "If you cry, you're bad. If you cry, I won't love you." Translation: When you cry, I feel uncomfortable. When you cry, it brings up my pain. At this insight my heart felt compassion; no not "I feel sorry for"...it was "My heart understands". My heart understands that this is generation to generation to generation to generation to generation until we have become a planet of closed hearts. I am sure that I did this to my own children and for that I am deeply sorry. I ask you to forgive me my Babies.
Sooooooo, looks like I'm gonna be a "Cry Baby" for awhile; at least I hope so. My intention is to be that open hearted child again. And, guess what? I'm not going to go to my room this time.
Beloved I AM
You are the flame in my heart
You light my way in the dark
I AM blessed. I AM grateful.
You are not alone. XO
ReplyDeleteSo NOT alone...
ReplyDeleteToday, I broke down at work, when my boss came in with a tiny little detail that I'd done differently than he had expected. And I'm a guy!
Fortunately, mere minutes later our Human Resources manager (a woman) came in to see if I had recovered from my Friday migraine last week. I asked her in, had her close the door and grab a seat, and starting at the mishap with my boss, laid bare my soul...
At first she displayed total inability to help, pretty much helpless to suggest any course of action, until the story came to that one ex-colleague who (over 2 years after she left) still rules my heart. That was when her eyes lit up: she knew how to fix this, I could tell. She paged through her phone, and grinned as she told me she still had a cell phone number for the lady concerned! I'd never call, not wanting to put any pressure on one so dear to me. But as she walked out the door, she hinted that she had no such inhibitions...
As for the week or so before today, my tear ducts were like the river Nile: way too wide, and constantly flowing. But apparently even that is finite.
Loved your story, though I had to think long and hard about how it ever got into my mailbox....
Love,
Dre'